“A looper, a caddy, a jock”
Ty Webb: You take drugs, Danny?
Danny Noonan: Everyday.
Ty Webb: Good. So what’s the problem?
Ty Webb: Be the ball, Danny.
Carl Spackler: Big hitter, The Lama.
Carl: So we finish 18 and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say hey, Lama! Hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know. And he says, “oh, there won’t be any money. But when you die, on your death bed, you will receive total consciousness. So I got that going for me, which is nice.
Judge Smails: He’s been club champion for three years running and I’m no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don’t sell yourself short, Judge. You’re a tremendous slouch.
Al Czervik: I think this place is restricted, Wang. So don’t tell ’em you’re Jewish.
Al Czervik: This is my guest, Mr. Wang. No offense.
Al Czervik: This is the worst looking hat I ever saw. What’d ya buy a hat like this I’ll bet you get a free bowl of soup.
Al Czervik: It looks good on you though.
Al Czervik: Let’s go. While we’re young.
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir. I’m trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: I bet you slice into the woods. A hundred bucks.
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, sir, and I never slice.
Tony D’Annunzio: What do you got in here, rocks?
Al Czervik: Are you kidding me? When I was your age I would lug 50 pound blocks of ice up 5, 6 flights of stairs.
D’Annunzio: So what?
Al Czervik: So what? So let’s dance.
Judge Smails: The world needs ditch diggers, too.
Spaulding: I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hotdog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips.
Judge Smails: You’ll get nothing, and like it.
Al Czervik: Somebody step on a duck?
Ty Webb: The Zen philosopher Basho once wrote, “A flute with no holes is not flute. And a donut with no hole, is a Danish.”
Angie D’Annunzio: Nnnnnoonan. Nnnnnoonan. Mmmmmiss.
Tony D’Annunzio: Miss it, Noonan. Miss. Miss. Miss it, Noonan. Miss. Miss. Miss it. Miss it. Aaaaah!
Carl Spackler: Here it is. It’s no big deal.
Judge Smails: It’s easy to grin when your ship comes in and you’ve got the stock market beat. But the man worthwhile is the man who can smile, when his shorts are too tight in the seat.
Carl: What an incredible Cinderella story. This unknown comes out of nowhere to lead the pack at Augusta. He’s on his final hole. He’s about 455 yards away. He’s going to hit about a two iron, I think.
Carl: Boy, he got all of that. The crowd is standing on it’s feet here at Augusta. The normally reserved Augusta crowd is going wild…for this young Cinderella who has come out of nowhere. He’s got about 350 yards left. He’s going to hit about a five iron, I would expect. Don’t you think. He’s got a beautiful back swing. That’s…oh! He got all of that one! He’s got to be pleased with that.
Carl: The crowd is just on it’s feet here. He’s a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up his final shot. He’s got about 195 yards left and looks like he’s got about an eight iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent.
Carl: Cinderella story. Out of nowhere. A former greens keeper now about to become the Masters Champion. It looks like a mirac…it’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!
Bishop: So what do you think, fella?
Carl: I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s going to come down for quite a while.
Judge Smails: How about a Fresca?
Carl: I have to laugh.
Carl: This is a hybrid. This is a cross. Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent and California Sinsemilla. The amazing stuff about this is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon…take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus belt that night on this stuff.
Carl: It’s a little harsh. Here, cannonball it. Cannonball it right back.
Carl: Can I say something to you, Frank?
Ty Webb: Ty…Frank.
Ty Webb: I’ll drop by. You drop by my place anytime.
Carl: What’s your address over there? You’re around Briar, right?
Ty Webb: Briar, uh huh, 2.
Carl: You got a pool over there?
Ty Webb: We have a pond in the back. We have a pool and a pond. A pond would be good for you.
Carl: The pool or the pond. Anything would be good.
Ty Webb: Danny, see your future. Be your future.
Judge Smails: Spaulding, this calls for the old Billy Baroo.
Judge Smails: Oh Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy. Oh Billy, Billy, Billy. This is a biggie. Don’t let me down Billy.
Judge Smails: Well. We’re waiting.