Clark Griswold: I distinctly ordered the Antarctic Blue, Super Sports Wagon with the CB and the optional rally fun pack.
Car Salesman: You didn’t order the Metallic Pea?
Car Salesman: This is the new Wagonqueen Family Truckster. If you’re thinking of taking the tribe cross-country, this is the automobile you should be using. You think you hate it now, but wait ’til you drive it.
Clark: This is a part of America we never get to see. We can’t close our eyes to the plight of the cities. Kids, are you noticing the plight?
Clark: Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Eddie: Oh, nothing but the best.
Eddie: Yep, I’m real glad that things are going good for you, Clark. You know I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory. And now, wouldn’t you know it, the Army cuts off my disability pension ’cause they said that the plate in my head wasn’t big enough.
Clark: Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes. Or perhaps you don’t want to see the second-largest ball of twine on the face of the earth…which is only four short hours away.
Clark: Audrey, when they close a road they put up big signs. Like this one. AHHHHH!
Rusty: Gee Dad, you must’ve jumped this thing about 50 yards.
Clark: It’s nothing to be proud of Rusty. 50 yards. Ha.
Clark: You’re growing up so damn fast. I’ve spent the last 15 years of my life developing newer and better food additives. I guess I’ve missed an awful lot.
Clark: Crack open those sandwiches I got at the gas station. I’m so hungry I could eat a sandwich from a gas station.
Clark: Okay, bow your heads, bow your heads. Oh, God. Ease our suffering in this our moment of great despair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms and the flock in thine heavenly area up there. And Moab he laideth down behind the land of the Canaanites. And yea, though the Hindus speak of Karma…I implore you, give her…give her a break.
Clark: I think you’re all fucked in the head. We’re ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well, I’ll you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m going to have fun and you’re going to have fun. We’re all going to have so much fucking fun we’ll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You’ll be whistling Zippity-Doo-Dah out of your assholes!
Clark: This is crazy. This is crazy. This crazy.
Clark: First ones here.
Helen: But we’re so far away, Clark.
Clark: Right, right, and at the end of the day when the lot’s full and everybody’s fighting to get out of here, we’ll be the first ones out, too. Why? Because we’re the Griswolds!
Russ Lasky: Sorry folks, the park’s closed. The moose out front should’ve told you.
Lasky: Has your father ever killed anyone before?
Rusty: Just a dog. Oh, and my Aunt Edna.
Clark: Hey! You can’t prove that, Rusty.
Lasky: That’s not a real gun, is it Clark?
Clark: What? Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I.
Lasky: It’s a B.B. Gun.
Clark: Don’t try me. I could put an eye out with this thing.
Lasky: You couldn’t even break the skin with that thing.
Clark: It could. It could. It could break the skin. It could lodge under the skin and cause a very bad infection.
Lasky: That’s an old wives tale, Clark. I’m telling.
Clark: I don’t imagine you have any children, Mr. Walley.
Roy Walley: Are you kidding? I have seven.
Clark: I thought so.
Clark: Did you ever drive them across country?
Roy: Oh, hell yes. I took the whole clan to Florida one year. The worst two weeks I ever had in my whole life. The smell from the backseat was too unbearable.
Clark: I know that smell. But Roy, can you imagine how your kids would have felt if when you got to Florida it was closed.
Roy: They don’t close Florida.